So kids...after thinking I got my Mojo, running spirit back- I was WRONG!!
We ran our last 20miler this weekend as a team. We woke up at a lovely CRACK of dawn, loaded a yellow school bus, and headed to Manasquan Park in NJ. All week I had been afraid of this run. It has been almost a full month since my last long run, had some good runs but somehow hurt my knee in last weekend's Staten Island Half Marathon. I thought the nagging pain was annoying but the mental damage was MUCH more debilitating.
I felt something odd around mile 8 of last weekends half and then sharp pain. I walked it for a bit but just wanted to get it done and pushed through the pain. On and off the pain would come back. I finished that run in a respectable time given all of the injuries and over training I faced this year. Took Sunday and Monday off and ran on Wednesday without pain. But throughout the week I kept feeling some pressure on my knee...not pain but pressure. PT and coaches assessed the injured knee and concluded weak muscles and constant strain was leading to the pain..but nothing major. Weak muscles can be rehabbed by strength training but a weak mind/spirit...I found out yesterday is MUCH tougher to pull together...
So there we were..in NJ running our last long before the marathon. It was an absolutely perfect running day-cool, slight breeze, and some sun. A beautiful park embarking on what we had done time after time...run. We were going to complete 4, 5-mile loops around a reservoir. Jackie and I decided to follow our own pace and set out on our adventure. The first loop was fine, the body was warming up, so the usual aches and pains were there. The second loop was ok...and there started the downfall. My hip kept annoying me, the pain was consistently moving (a good sign apparently) and my knee was annoying me. And somewhere around mile 8-9 I made a TRAGIC mistake...allowed IN the negativity. I started with "my body is falling apart, this pain is annoying, I should have taken more time off after the first NYC, why did I run Paris, what do i think I am a marathoner?, like so much else in life...u are falling just short." ETC, ETC, ETC...and there i was at mile 12, taking my 2nd gu...crying, hyperventilating, and having a COMPLETE emotional breakdown...I was literally on a running ledge...and there I was at the 12th mile...I had gone further countless times but for some reason I couldnt even imagine the next mile- let alone another 8 miles. LUCKILY i had my buddy Jackie...who w the tough love I have used on her many times...told me "there is no crying in baseball"...so you are in some uncomfortable pain...if its serious then stop but otherwise SUCK it up and just run"
As so...i kept running, still breaking down...not crying bc I was afraid of tripping on the road. I had open my personal pandoras box of self-doubt and fear and fought w my inner demons for the next LONG, LONG 8 miles. Jackie would attempt to lighten up the mood with some comment about "Jersey Shore"..and i would just bark something back about pain...I was breaking down harder til she mentioned that we were doing the same pace as the beginning of the run..and so there we were mile 18...ghh, MAN o MAN..i HATE mile 18...but I saw several team members who were struggling out there on the course and they still had a loop to go. Jackie reminded me of the article of the Ecuadorian Woman who won the Buenos Aires Marathon last weekend-who had to sell her living room furniture to buy vitamins and often didnt have enough money to eat and how her win in BA was going to change her life ( http://www.elcomercio.com/2010-10-15/Noticias/Deportes/Noticia-Principal/EC101021P21_CHACHA.aspx )..What was I possibly complaining about. ALL i would have to do was get through another 2 miles...22 mins or so of running to mark the end of an AMAZING 18months of hard training and one last hard push before the marathon. These 18 month have brought me to MUCH...all of which I have spoken about here- new friends, new passion in life, taught me about determination, disciple, and dedication...but most of all..it has taught me that through it all...the words impossible and quitting are NO LONGER part of my vocabulary.
I finished the run and this morning woke up and felt little soreness. Whatever I was feeling yesterday was likely 10% physical pain..the rest mental...and through the beautiful-yet empty grounds of Manasquan...I shed all those demons I've been holding back since the Paris Marathon. I know that the next time the physical pain comes back...I will be running the streets of NYC w/ friends, family, and complete strangers encouraging me but more importantly the space that the mental demons left are going to be filled with some of the most unbelievable memories of an amazing day...
